In this week’s newsletter:

• Discover 3 ways that guilt and shame show up

• Learn 3 therapy-based tools to help you successfully overcome guilt and shame

This week so far:

This week has mostly been spent catching up on all the work I put off whilst I was laid low for 2 weeks with illness. The biggest project has been putting together all of the paperwork required for my annual NHS appraisal, which has taken up a huge amount of time (IYKYK!!). I’ve also changed email providers, hence the new look for this email- I really hope you like it. This weekend we’re off to see Wicked which I am super excited to see, as is my musicals obsessed daughter! Have a good one whatever you’re up to.

Becoming a Phoenix, part 4: Rewriting the guilt and shame narrative

Do you ever catch yourself apologising in your head before anyone’s even upset with you? Or feeling like you’re failing at work and home at the same time? Guilt and shame are relentless companions for so many working mums—they sneak in, set up camp, and try to convince us we’re not doing enough.

But here’s the thing: guilt and shame aren’t just unpleasant; they can lead us straight into burnout territory if we’re not careful. So, let’s unpack these emotions, understand why they hit us so hard, and learn how to keep them from running the show.

First, let’s clear up the difference between guilt and shame:

• Guilt tells you, “You did something wrong.” It’s tied to actions—like missing your child’s football match because you were at work, or forgetting a deadline. Experiencing guilt helps us to recognise that our actions were not in alignment with our values, and to take steps to correct those actions.

• Shame tells you, “You are wrong.” It’s not about what you did; it’s about how you see yourself. And it’s far more damaging to experience this than guilt.

For working mums, these feelings often stem from juggling impossible expectations—be everything to everyone, all the time. The result? We overcommit, neglect ourselves, and feel like we’re failing no matter what we do. But here’s the good news: guilt and shame can be managed.

3 ways guilt and shame show up—and how to tackle them

1. Overcommitting to “make up for” what you missed

   • The behaviour: Saying yes to everything—extra work projects, family obligations, or volunteer roles—because you feel you haven’t done enough.

   • The fix: Instead of overcommitting, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do to feel connected or impactful today?” Small, intentional acts can be more meaningful than a packed schedule.

2. Neglecting self-care because it feels selfish

   • The behaviour: Skipping rest, exercise, or downtime because you think every free moment should go to your family or job.

   • The fix: Reframe self-care as an investment in your energy. You can’t pour from an empty cup—and taking 10 minutes for yourself can make a world of difference.

3. Setting non-existent work boundaries

   • The behaviour: Answering emails at 10 PM or taking on extra work to prove you’re still committed.

   • The fix: Practice saying, “Let me get back to you on that.” It’s a simple, non-confrontational way to give yourself breathing room before committing.

How therapy tools can help this mindset:

Therapy techniques like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are powerful for tackling guilt and shame. They help you rewrite the stories these emotions create and align your actions with your values—without the guilt trip.

Here are three quick exercises to try:

1. The "guilt check" thought record

When guilt shows up, grab a pen (or your notes app):

• Describe the situation: What happened?

• Identify the thought: What’s the guilt saying?

• Evaluate it: Is this thought 100% true, or could there be another explanation?

• Reframe: Replace the thought with something more compassionate.

Example: Maria missed a family dinner due to a work deadline. 

Identify the thought: “I’m failing my family by not being there.” 

Evaluate the thought: Maria asks herself if she really has failed her family by not being at this dinner. 

Reframe and replace the thought: “I’m working to support myself, and one missed dinner doesn’t undo my love or commitment to my family.” 

Outcome: Maria feels less guilty about missing the family dinner. She calls to apologise and then asks her family for their availability for her to host on a day when she doesn’t have any other commitments. 

2. Create a values-based action plan

• Choose one core value (e.g., family connection, health).

• Identify a small action to honour it (e.g., family game night on Friday).

• Reflect on how this action aligns with your values, even if guilt is present.

Example: Sam values her health but struggles to fit exercise into her very busy family life. She feels guilty for wanting to make time to exercise and worries it will take her away from her kids.

Identify your value(s): Health and family

Identify an action linked to the value (s): Take a 10-minute walk each morning whilst her partner helps the kids to have breakfast before they leave for work.

Reflect: “This small action helps me feel energised and healthy, supporting me in all the roles I play.”

Outcome: Sam can permit herself to have a daily 10-minute walk without feeling guilty, as it allows her to fulfill both values of health and family.

3. Practice self-compassion for shame

Imagine your best friend feels the way you do. How would you comfort her? Now, direct that same kindness toward yourself.

Example: Meera forgot her son’s school play date. 

Write a compassionate response to a friend: “You’re juggling so much—mistakes happen, and they don’t define your worth as a mom.” 

Now address yourself: “I’m managing a lot, and forgetting one event doesn’t make me a bad mum. I’m doing my best.” 

Outcome: Meera can show herself the same compassion she would show a friend in the same situation as her, combatting her negative internal self-talk.

Want to go deeper?

I’ve created a free, printable worksheet with these exercises so you can start managing guilt and shame today. Download it here.

If guilt and shame are weighing you down, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to carry them forever. Hit reply and let me know: what’s your biggest struggle when it comes to guilt or shame? I’d love to hear from you.

Take care of yourself,

Claire